it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
