When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
