got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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