Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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