i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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