I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
