i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
