turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
