remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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