She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
They have beer where we have blood.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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