working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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