I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
