I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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