yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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