Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
