I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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