Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
