my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
