I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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