My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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