I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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