I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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