I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
