anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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