tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
