Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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