i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
