I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
