I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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