Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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