she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
