Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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