i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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