Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
