If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
