Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
