soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
