and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
