its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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