God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
