After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
