why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
