I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
