Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
