Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
