So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
