Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
