Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
