I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
