I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
