just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
