Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
50% drunk capacity currently
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
